Hello and welcome to my very first blog. I chose the name Inner Satya for a couple of reasons. “Inner” because I am going deep inside myself. “Satya,” which is a Sanskrit word that means to speak your truth honestly. This word encourages me to not only live my truth but to speak it. I am seeking to move my life into deeper meaning, to be free from suffering.
This brings me to why I am here, which I will dive into in a moment. First, let me tell you a little bit about myself and where I am right now. I have been divorced for two years which makes me a single mother of two beautiful children. I have many interest in my life including, but not limited to, fitness (going to the gym and lifting weights), yoga, reading self-help books, listening to numerous podcasts, and learning how to deal with my “new” life. For a little over a year now I have been trying to discover who I am. Seems funny to say this since I am an adult now. Shouldn't I know who I am? When I look back at my life, I realize that who I think I am is due largely in part to my early life. Even though my marriage was challenging it was not the starting point of where I need to focus my change.
Over the last year I have been trying to improve myself. I thought the way to do this was to engage in social situations, build my friendships, keep my head screwed on straight, get good grades in school, show up for work so that I can pay my bills, put food on the table so I can feed my kids, and show the world that I fucking rock as a single mom.
However, what I have discovered is that life as a single mom with two kids and an ex-husband has been particularly challenging for me. I have learned that I am not alone; however, it does not change the fact that I feel very lonely, isolated. I have spent countless nights with wet eyes and a sore throat from crying hysterically. There are places on my carpet that are no longer flat from my gripping at them with my fingers trying to hold onto something solid, to ground myself to the Earth so I did not dissolve or float away. I remember thinking on numerous occasions “what the hell is wrong with you? Where is that strong girl who got the courage to leave an emotionally abusive situation, that woman who is working so hard to stay physically fit, that woman who felt so courageous and sure of herself that she just knew her life was headed in a better direction than it had been of the previous ten years. Where is she?”
In the early stages of this blog, I will share with you some of the things that I have done that I thought were going to lead to self-improvement. Some things worked, some did not, somethings proved to be a waste of money, other things lead to great friendships. I have zero regrets. I would like to use this blog to share with you my journey. At some point during this blog, I will take moments to ask challenging questions of myself, I hope you will have the courage to answer or share your insights. I will dive into my past and how it has shaped me for better and for worse. My early years, way back to infancy, yes, I did say that, started very traumatic. My early years were not just traumatic, but dramatic. There is abuse in there, and I will share as the days and weeks move on. I hope that my story, my truth, my survivorship, helps other women to know they are not alone. I hope the events that I have been through can be used to bring awareness, to help other women, mothers, wives, anyone seeking to do their inner work, with an opportunity to come out of your shell in rise above.
I am far from attaining the inner joy and peace that I seek, but I am on my way. Join me on my journey. Grow with me. This is our Growing Season.